Musings on Moving

We have been in Arizona for about 8 weeks now, and life is slowly but surely gaining a rhythm.

Mikel: 

Is happy in his work, building relationships with the practice partners and office staff, and gaining more and more confidence in his daily practice. 

He is rightfully giving 100% every day at work and coming home happy, though tired.  

He is often working longer hours than he did in residency, but when he can come home, he does - and right away.  I have always appreciated this about him.

As a nurse who worked with my fair share of providers, I can tell that his bedside/office manner and his medical decision-making are solid.  

He is not prideful; when a patient offers a sidelong glance and asks him about being fresh from residency, he is forthcoming and humble.  

He is upstanding and professional.  I don't have to wonder what people are saying about him; his sound character is a blessing to us both.  

He is hands-on with Nolan, often giving him his bath when he gets home in time (I love him for this break!!), and always doling out plenty of silliness, hugs and kisses.  That boy will know his dad's love.  

He never minds firing up the grill for dinner - no matter how hot it is out.  He does yard/pool work on the weekends (I mow but I'm scared of the weed eater).  

He never questions what I spend on groceries or our clothes or whatever. He works hard to bring home the bacon, but he is not micro-managerial in how it is used.  This is a mega blessing.

And one of my most appreciated things about Mikel: he doesn't complain when - like tonight - laundry is unfolded, dishes are in the sink, the bed is unmade and we have Cheerios for dinner because Nolan and I chose to leave the house (read: splurge on toys at Ikea), and I chose to nap while the babe napped.  He is very gracious toward me.  

Also: he scoops my ice cream and lets me hold the TV remote.  This helps me overlook his gory movie choices.

Love you, Mikel.

Nolan: 

Is busy, smiley, toothy, and on the move.  That is one sugary boy.

And I:

Am unsure what to say about myself.  I've written about 5 adjectives and erased them all.
I'm adjusting to this new role, place and identity.  There have been many days when the adjustment has been more steep than I expected, but I am gaining tread.  I think.

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I haven't written much about my thoughts as we acclimate to our new life -- maybe because my perspectives and emotions seem to fluctuate from day to day (sometimes hour to hour.  no kidding.).  I do want to include a few mid-process reflections about it, though.  Don't feel obligated to read on, as these are just for my own memory or therapy or something.

Firstly:

We are happy that we are here.  Phoenix is the right place for us.  We are blessed, and I am thankful.  Mikel and I are strong in our marriage.  We are investing bit by bit in a church, Praise God.  We are where we belong.

But if there's one thing that moving does fiercely, it's challenge a person's identity.  Our move to Rochester felt, from my perspective, nothing like this move.  I found Rochester pretty easy to slide into, despite the significant number of life changes that came at the same time (marriage, med school grad, job changes).  Perhaps it was the outlet and personal pursuit of my job as an oncology RN, or maybe it was Mayo's well-rehearsed ways of connecting residents' wives, or perhaps it was my newlywed, kidless mindset that made it easy.  Probably a combo of all of the above.  Regardless, it wasn't long before it truly felt like home.  And I'm thankful for that because it went on to be a deeply rich and treasured 5 years.

Simply put: I am grieving the loss of that place and those times.  Especially my wonderful sisterhood of girlfriends, many of whom also moved away from Rochester. I love your kids; I knew your routines; I had your garage codes memorized.  I miss you.  We were a rare collection, indeed; a fact becoming more and more clear to me.  We all showed up needing community - sorting out our identities in young marriages to young doctors in a new place - and God over-provided.  We were loving and forgiving and secure enough to morph successfully - even strengthening our bonds - through our life changes, like the birth of a bazillion kids over 5 short years.  I feel like I'm not even the same girl who showed up in MN, and it's not just because my blood thickened and I learned that ice cream rock salt is not appropriate to put on your front stoop in January. You ladies poured into me and I into you. And my relationship with Mikel, my walk with the Lord - my identity - was made better because of it.

I am not curled in a corner or anything - and I truly think that you choose your attitude to a degree, so I choose happiness most of the time.  And this is not usually hard, as there are many readons to be happy in Phoenix. But I also find I am grappling with my identity again as I piecemeal out what it looks like to be here and staying home with Nolan.  I feel a little like I don't know what to tell people I meet about who I am.

"Where are you from and what do you do?"
Am I from MN or Texas or Oklahoma?  -- No one really wants a whole back story when they ask where you're from.
Oncology nurse?  Singer?  Runner? -- I guess, but not really lately.
Not always comfortable with the "doctor's wife" inferences.
Still feeling pretty new at the mom thing.

It feels tricky.  And a little disorienting.

But I do know this:
- I am a daughter of the King.  My days are mapped by the One who works all things for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose - as I do and have been. Christ is meant to be my source of comfort and identity.  Friends and house and occupation and children and family are provisions given by God as blessings and are never meant to replace the Giver on the throne of my heart.

- That said, my role as at home mom is valuable, meaningful and challenging in new, more subtle ways.  And though I once may have thought it would be an "easy" option, the truth is that staying home does not come without some sacrifice too.  I genuinely miss my oncology patients and colleagues and my work as a nurse in that very special field.  I was good at it.  I was respected.  I enjoyed the challenges, and I found a lot of fulfillment in it.  But when it comes down to it, I don't wish to trade this time with Nolan for it.  Not right now.  I want to have my cake and eat it too.  Torn between my two passions.  But today, home is where my focus lies.  And that's okay.  It doesn't mean that I am lazy or that I am wasting my education or my talents.  It means I am very blessed to have a job that a lot of other moms would gouge out an eye to have. (PS - Anyone who thinks SAHM's are lackadaisical, I would invite to spend one afternoon at the Schmitt or Dufendach or Sviggum house!!).

- I look forward to chances to serve others outside of our home. Home is a worthy focus, but I miss pouring in elsewhere: SBS, church, through music, even caring for the very ill. I am praying for God to lead me to that role of service, whatever it looks like. I want to model service for Nolan - weave it in as part of our family tapestry, not something to be tacked on later.

- I am starting to understand the challenges and sadnesses of living distant from family while raising little kids. Thank goodness for Southwest Airlines!

Random, but I also miss:
- cookouts with our couple friends (very very much!!!!).

- Mr. David.
- HyVee and its drive up loading.
- "far away" meaning it was a 15 minute drive.
- Thursdays on First and MN summertime.
- electricity bills under $400.
- the RAC and its stellar childcare.
- urology department baby showers.
- Calvary.
- Tuesday night SBS.
- Ken the lawn guy and his cheap, awesome lawn care.
- walking our beautiful, hilly, green neighborhood.
- the Douglas Trail.
- Pi and Flapdoodles dates.

So many sweet memories and fond places to recall from Rochester.  I am blessed to have known it as "home" for a season, and I look forward to finding those nitches here in Phoenix.  It will just take time. And patience.
I am, unfortunately, very impatient in this.

Also this:
- The days I feel most lonely are the days when I spend intentional time meeting brand new girls and trying to get to know them.  It's weird.  The days that Nolan and I just do our thing -- go to the gym and back, run errands, play at home -- I feel way less lonely by dinnertime than when I've put myself out there.  Maybe it's the emotional energy expenditure.  Or maybe it's the involuntary comparison that happens in my head between who I met and my Council, hard as I try not to.
Just ask Mikel......  Last Friday, I attended my first "MeetUp" Christian SAHM group in Scottsdale.  It was at this trampoline park thing, which Nolan loved.  4 other moms there besides me. In their 30's - very nice gals - inviting - warm welcome despite the sort-of chaotic environment.  Small talk, get-to-know-you chatting, of course. Well and good.  Then later that afternoon at the gym, I literally (awkwardly) chased down a girl who looked like me and went completely out of my way to introduce myself.  She had been running on the treadmill beside me.  We talked for 20 mins or so - has a son 2 days younger than Nolan - only lived here a year - not a Believer but nice enough.
Then that night across the dinner table from Mikel: I flat bawled my eyes out into my spaghetti.  Poor guy.  I'm sure it's true of others when they move, but nothing reiterates that feeling of "I'm new here" like the sheer work of hunting down new friends.  And my last set of girlfriends leaves awfully big shoes to fill.  Mikel is wonderful, but he had no idea what to say to me.  Can't exactly blame him. He isn't, after all, a girl.

- Next week brings a few big opportunities to invest in community.
I'm going to begin attending a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group that meets at Desert Springs Bible Church, the church we've been attending lately.  I'm also going to try my hand at a BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) group.  Two very different types of communities: one more social / mom-based, the other more academic.  Both have their first get-togethers next week Tuesday and Wednesday, so if you're still reading by this point, you can pray for me.  I feel so silly even asking for that, but I'm steeling myself against the feelings I mentioned before as I seek to invest.  Also bracing myself for the effects of possibly disrupted morning nap times for Nolan.  We might both be crying at dinner!  Hope not.

- Really REALLY thankful for Kelly, Krista and Tiff.  You ladies are awesome and definite blessings. I hope I somehow am also blessing you.

- I just started reading "After the Boxes are Unpacked" and "Glimpses of Grace".  Think both are going to be very insightful and helpful.

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Likely more to come on this process, but there's that.  God is good -- all the time.  We are blessed -- no question.  It will come.

You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

 

You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

 

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, God, and know my heart;

      test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

      and lead me in the way everlasting.

- Psalm 139: 1-18, 23-24